Chemo Treatment #4

8/26/2014
Chemo Treatment #4 Last of the AC! (AKA ... Red Devil)

Today was the first day of school for Gavin and Graysen.  I was very excited that I was still able to take them to school.  They were so adorable!  I got a couple hours at home with just Clara before we had to pick Graysen up and drop them off at Grandma and Grandpa's for the day/night.

As I was getting geared up for my last AC treatment, my college roommate Stephanie made it down and was staying the next couple of days.  As we are walking in the building were giggling about playing the Rocky fight song or some other pump up music as I went in to get my last of the Red Devil treatment.  Boy could I have used that extra energy and the feeling that I was invincible during the next couple of hours.  My treatment itself went good.  They gave me another Lorazapam during the treatment which made me quite sleepy.  I don't think I made it through too many of the good old "Friends" episodes we were trying to watch.

Tuesday night followed suite like most of the other treatments.  Had some chicken broth, called the kids to see how their day was, and was in bed quite early.  Wednesday and Thursday I slept most of the days.  Was able to walk to the stop sign in our cul de sac, which is not far at all.  Aunt Sue was around on Thursday and helped with Clara during the day why the rest of the boys were all in school.  I think I moved from the bed to the couch, back to the bed most of the day.  I just couldn't muster up any energy.  My skin felt really bruised to touch and I was having blurred vision.  I will say this AC treatment put a beating on me. I wanted to fight so bad and get up, but I just couldn't.  My friend from college Rosie was here on Friday and helped watch the kids since they didn't have school.  I made it out of the bedroom a little bit more, but sure wasn't the type of visit I was hoping to have.  I was just counting the time until it hit 7 o'clock and I felt like I could go to bed for the night.

Saturday was a pretty low key day for us.  I think the farthest I got was to sit on the back patio for a little while.  I did stay awake for longer this day, but laid around for most of it.  My appetite hasn't been the greatest this time around, I've felt sick to my stomach a lot more than in the past treatments.  I've had a lot more breakdowns emotional this last round of treatments.  It's so hard to stay positive when things are just not going the way your are hoping.  I felt really disconnected from my kids and just life in general.  Just like a cloud was over me and it just wouldn't move.

I do want to thank my helpers for this week.  You got kind of a crummy one, and I was really hoping to be able to catch up on things versus you just having to take care of me and my family.  I know that's what you were here to do was to help, so thank you!

Some days when I"m struggling with the fact that I'm going through this and there really isn't anything I can do, I watch videos.  So I'm going to leave you here with one that I've watched quite often.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SPOzkmuGDg&index=6&list=PLF8D5C899C0D6C78B

Hoping tomorrow will be a brighter day!

Chemo Treatment #3

8/12/14 Chemo Treatment #3

Back for another week and now more than halfway through the "Red Devil" treatment.  This time things are getting a bit more interesting with running to the clinic.  On Monday, I had my blood work and met with Dr. Hake.  He is so funny, which is nice to have in this situation.  All my counts came back great, besides for my red blood cells were a bit low.  He said I can blame that on him.  He did give me a physical exam and could only feel one lymph node now, and that the big mass in my breast is also down in size.  Feels a bit more squishy to me also, and sometimes I can't find the initial lump that I found.  So the best news ever is that we believe it is shrinking!

On Tuesday is when I actually had my AC cocktail, the "Red Devil".  This time to try and help with the nausea feeling they gave me a LORazepam right away.  Andy had a little bit more quite time, because it did make me sleepy during the treatment.  But I never ended up feeling like I was going to need a bucket, which was way better than the first 2 times.  I still had a pretty bad headache so I kept putting ice packs on, but overall this time was just mainly fatigue.

On Wednesday I went back in for my Nuelasta shot.   Now for some people this can have some bad side affects, luckily for me I haven't really had any.  They also did give me some more fluids because my blood pressure was low again.  I figured if anything, it will just help me get through the week with bit more energy.  My sister-n-law Shannon was with me and we watched "America's Sweethearts".  Well, she watched it and I may have dosed off a bit here and there.  I also got to talk to one of my mentor's Nichole.  She was at the clinic getting her final HERceptin drug.  It was nice talking with her and seeing that there will be an end to this nightmare, and also the fact that she is doing great.

Thursday I just felt the fatigue.  I woke up in the morning and was up for only a couple hours, and all of a sudden I could barely keep my eyes open.  I needed to go in and lay down. (almost 3 hours later before I woke back up.)  Luckily Andy and Shannon had taken the kids out, so the house was nice and quite for me to sleep.

My HERS-2 test that we kept waiting for the results to come back were inconclusive again.  So both the lymph node area and mass were tested twice using 2 different kinds of tests one score was a 1.52 and 1.64. Below 1 means you are negative, and a score above 2 is positive.  So what does that exactly mean for me, they are going to treat me as if it was positive.  So I will be in the HERS-2 chemo drug for a year.  That will start in the September when I start the Taxol drug.  I will get hercepin every week for 12 weeks with the Taxol, and then I will get the herceptin alone every 3 weeks until sometime in August next year.  The side affects are not supposed to be as bad with this one.

Now is when I realize that I'm going to treat this all the way to flipping August next year.  Holy cow!  That seems like forever from now.  But we just need to take it one step at a time and first make it through this round of AC treatment.  I will be looking for some helpers once my September treatments start up.  If the schedule stays the same Monday's I'll need to go in for blood work and meet my Doctor.  Tuesday would be my chemo treatment.  I'm not sure how I'm going to react to this new chemo so I may also need help on Wednesday's.  Please let me know if you are available to help out so I could arrange some sort of schedule with my treatment days.  I believe I'll be starting Tuesday, September 9th with my new chemo drug.  However, things can change so quickly, especially if my counts aren't high enough to receive treatment, then things will get pushed back.

Again, I can't express the gratitude for everyone that has been saying prayers, sending positive thoughts and all the gifts that have been sent.  It truly is a blessing to have such wonderful friends and family in our lives.  THANK YOU EVERYONE!

Bye Bye Hair

8/1//2014 Bye Bye Hair

So whatever Doctor won the award for pin pointing the day someone was going to lose there hair after the start of Chemo, I'd like to meet him.  I couldn't believe it.  Day 17 arrived and my hair was saying good bye.  Everyone told me this was going to happen, the Doctors, the internet, talking with other people.  I knew this day was going to come.  But as much as I knew it, this was one of the hardest things ever.

I woke up on Wednesday, and found a couple strands of hair on the bed, little more than normal.  I took a shower and just freaked out.  It was crazy.  I just kept getting handfuls of hair.  I finally stopped, just hoping that if I didn't scrub any more it would stay longer.  Andy luckily cleaned the drain for me so I didn't have to see how much was in there.  He said there wasn't that much.  Throughout the day I found a little bit more hair on my clothes, on the chair where I sat, and then on my dinner plate.   Talking with my mom, I was going to try and make it to church on Sunday.

On Thursday morning, I found some more on my pillow.  In the shower, I just cried.  Actually, I screamed too.  Andy came in, he started cleaning the drain right away so I didn't have to see it.  It seemed like so much was in my hands.  When I looked in the mirror you could just tell, my hair looked dry and I'd have strands you could just grab and pull out.

So Friday morning rolled around.  I found more on my pillow.  This was just devastating.  Everyday waking up with this, showering with this.  I knew that I was going to shave my head, but I thought I'd be able to make it a couple of days.  So Friday morning, we sat the kids down on the couch.  All three of them, Gavin, Graysen, and Clara.  Here's how the conversation went:

Me:  "So you know how mommy has been going to the Doctor's for here owies."
Kids:  Yeah.  (Graysen started pointing to my port.)
Me:  "Remember my owies are in my boobies."
Kids:  Yeah.  (Graysen trying to find my bruises again.)
Me:  "Well, the Doctor's are giving mommy some pretty strong medicine to help those owies go away.  And that medicine is what makes mommy tired all the time."
Kids:  Yeah.  (Graysen said "Tired?" in his cute questioning voice).
Me:  "Well the medicine is also going to do some crazy things to my hair."  At this point I reached back through my hair and had a handful.
Kids:  Wow Mom!
Me:  "So were going to all get hair cuts today.  Even mommy.  Will you guys help me?"
Kids:  YES!!!

So after everyone else got there haircuts, a little shorter than usual, so did I.  Having the kids there was great.  It made it less dramatic for me.  I don't even think I shed a tear.  Gavin kept saying that I looked like a Gray Wolf.  Not sure about the gray part, but they sure liked rubbing my head.  They still do, they think it's so soft.  Around the house I try and wear scarves or hats, but sometimes I'll go with nothing too.  Andy and my mom both said that I look good.  Sometimes I think they have to say that because they love me so much.  I'm sure if I walked in a store I'd get some good stares.  This is probably the hardest part like I said.  Now everyone will know that I'm sick.  This is the visual that we who have cancer dread.  I'm hoping by letting my kids help and not hiding it from them, they will look at people differently when they see others.  I'm hoping they will know that the person is still real, even thought they may look different.

Chemo Treatment #2

7/28/2014 Chemo Treatment #2

As I as waiting for the start of my 2nd chemo treatment, I was having a harder time getting myself mentally ready.  Many thoughts were going through my head.  Was I going to react the same way?  Was I going to get the metallic taste and the bad headache again?  Was I going to feel nausea's?  Was it going to be worse?

We changed up a couple of things before we started this round of chemo.  I started taking the Claritin on Friday already instead of waiting until Monday.  This was supposed to help with the stuffy head feeling and headache, plus the achy bones.  They also slowed down the AC drug and administered it over an hour instead of just 30 minutes.  The treatment itself was very similar to the first time.  I was asked to say my last name and birth date many times.  I met with the nurse oncologist who examined me and said everything was looking good.  We talked briefly about the next couple of treatments and then started the AC drug.  The "Red Devil" came first.  Again the nurse sits right next to me and every few minutes dispenses a couple ML of the red concoction for a total of 10 minutes.  Next came the C-cyclophosphamide, which they changed to take an hour instead of the 30 minutes.  I started to get a slight headache towards the end of this treatment, but it was better than the first time.  It seemed to take a long time for them to get all my drugs lined up this time.  I think we were there a total of 5 1/2 hours.

My support group for treatment #2 was Andy and my Mom.  I also received a blanket from my nieces and nephews to take with me to my treatments.  Each of them picked out a different pattern and they tied them all together, so when I'm getting my treatment they each are wrapping their arms around me too.

Thankfully after we left the clinic we didn't go out to eat this time.  I also tried something different overall with my eating this day.  For breakfast I had peanut butter toast, and then at the clinic I brought a smoothie and a granola bar.  This way I wouldn't have a big heavy meal on my stomach when we were all done.  I knew I had a short window by the time we got home before I started to feel crummy, so I ate some saltine crackers right away and tried drinking water.  I took a short nap.  After my nap I pretty much laid on the couch watching a movie, and then I started to get the crummy feeling again.  I was getting really hot and dizzy, and thought I was going to get sick again.  With ice packs on my head, I was right back to the same feeling of treatment #1.  Eventually, I just tried to go to bed.

Tuesday I went into meet with the Genetics Counselor and took the saliva test for them to see if my cancer was genetically related or just sporadic.  We won't get these results back for another 3 weeks.  I also had my Neulasta shot which was easy, but when they checked my blood pressure it was quite low again so they gave me some more fluids intravenously.  That gave me a good boost for the day.

Wednesday, we went to finalize and order my wig.  My mom and my friend Kate came with which was very nice.  This is the one I ordered, but in a different color.  I'm supposed to be able to pick it up on Friday.  We went out for lunch, which was good.  We weren't gone for that long, but on the drive home I couldn't even keep my eyes open I was so exhausted.  It amazes me how fast I get tired.

Thursday, was our 10th Anniversary.  I wanted so badly to feel good for today.  I tried taking 3 naps in the day, but didn't really sleep until maybe the last time.  We ended up going out on a dinner cruise in Lake Geneva from 7-9, which was a lot of fun.  The houses were just beautiful.  I just wish I had more energy to enjoy the evening more.

Overall, treatment #2 went pretty good.  Just need to get used to getting exhausted so easily.  I think it's hard for the kids seeing this and not really understanding.  Maybe its harder for me seeing me, and thinking that they don't understand.  Gavin got so mad that he says all I do is sleep.  Or he asks who's watching us today since you can't mom.  These are the things that make this journey the hardest.  I want to do things for them, I want to play with them so badly, I just can't.  I know that I'll have good weeks that I will be able to do things.  But as a mom, it's hard to sit back.  My kids are only going to be little once, and I don't want to miss out.