Bye Bye Hair

8/1//2014 Bye Bye Hair

So whatever Doctor won the award for pin pointing the day someone was going to lose there hair after the start of Chemo, I'd like to meet him.  I couldn't believe it.  Day 17 arrived and my hair was saying good bye.  Everyone told me this was going to happen, the Doctors, the internet, talking with other people.  I knew this day was going to come.  But as much as I knew it, this was one of the hardest things ever.

I woke up on Wednesday, and found a couple strands of hair on the bed, little more than normal.  I took a shower and just freaked out.  It was crazy.  I just kept getting handfuls of hair.  I finally stopped, just hoping that if I didn't scrub any more it would stay longer.  Andy luckily cleaned the drain for me so I didn't have to see how much was in there.  He said there wasn't that much.  Throughout the day I found a little bit more hair on my clothes, on the chair where I sat, and then on my dinner plate.   Talking with my mom, I was going to try and make it to church on Sunday.

On Thursday morning, I found some more on my pillow.  In the shower, I just cried.  Actually, I screamed too.  Andy came in, he started cleaning the drain right away so I didn't have to see it.  It seemed like so much was in my hands.  When I looked in the mirror you could just tell, my hair looked dry and I'd have strands you could just grab and pull out.

So Friday morning rolled around.  I found more on my pillow.  This was just devastating.  Everyday waking up with this, showering with this.  I knew that I was going to shave my head, but I thought I'd be able to make it a couple of days.  So Friday morning, we sat the kids down on the couch.  All three of them, Gavin, Graysen, and Clara.  Here's how the conversation went:

Me:  "So you know how mommy has been going to the Doctor's for here owies."
Kids:  Yeah.  (Graysen started pointing to my port.)
Me:  "Remember my owies are in my boobies."
Kids:  Yeah.  (Graysen trying to find my bruises again.)
Me:  "Well, the Doctor's are giving mommy some pretty strong medicine to help those owies go away.  And that medicine is what makes mommy tired all the time."
Kids:  Yeah.  (Graysen said "Tired?" in his cute questioning voice).
Me:  "Well the medicine is also going to do some crazy things to my hair."  At this point I reached back through my hair and had a handful.
Kids:  Wow Mom!
Me:  "So were going to all get hair cuts today.  Even mommy.  Will you guys help me?"
Kids:  YES!!!

So after everyone else got there haircuts, a little shorter than usual, so did I.  Having the kids there was great.  It made it less dramatic for me.  I don't even think I shed a tear.  Gavin kept saying that I looked like a Gray Wolf.  Not sure about the gray part, but they sure liked rubbing my head.  They still do, they think it's so soft.  Around the house I try and wear scarves or hats, but sometimes I'll go with nothing too.  Andy and my mom both said that I look good.  Sometimes I think they have to say that because they love me so much.  I'm sure if I walked in a store I'd get some good stares.  This is probably the hardest part like I said.  Now everyone will know that I'm sick.  This is the visual that we who have cancer dread.  I'm hoping by letting my kids help and not hiding it from them, they will look at people differently when they see others.  I'm hoping they will know that the person is still real, even thought they may look different.